How couples can successfully navigate the “Roommate Stage” after birth
Couples who are pregnant are often told “uhoh, watch out for the Roommate Stage!” Unless you’ve gone through it, or have already been to couples therapy after birth, you might be familiar with the term, but not quite understand what it means.
What is the Roommate Stage?
The “Roommate Stage” describes the common experience of new parents where they feel more like roommates than intimate partners due to the requirements of childcare and recovery from childbirth, usually characterized by a reduction in emotional and physical intimacy, including a lack of communication around things that don’t involve the child. This can be a challenging time for many couples, especially if you were hoping that bringing a new baby into the family would make you feel closer. You might really miss your partner at this time, and feel frustrated or confused, not knowing quite how this happened. Suddenly, your conversations turn from intimate ones to logistical ones, such as “who’s doing daycare dropoff?” or my favorite romantic topic “did the baby poop this morning?”
If you’re in this stage, first, know that you’re certainly not alone. This is a common, and typical, experience for most new parents. However, it’s important to recognize when you’re in it so that you can move through it and find ways to reconnect again with each other in parenthood. You do have a new normal, but that new normal does not have to include feeling disconnected from each other forever. This is a stage that requires awareness and intentional effort to move through — before disconnection turns into resentment or apathy.
Why the Roommate Stage Happens
Becoming parents is one of the most profound transitions a person can experience. While it’s a wonderful thing to expand your family, it also transforms your whole life, including your routines, your sleep, your energy, your roles, your body, and your identity.
Here’s some common causes for the Roommate Stage:
You’re exhausted: Sleep deprivation makes everything harder. Accessing patience, empathy, or sexual desire can feel all but impossible.
Mental load imbalance: One partner (often the mother or birthing parent) may carry the invisible mental load of remembering every detail, from feeding schedules to doctor’s appointments, while the other may feel shut out or uncertain how to help.
The transition from “us” to baby: Before baby, you were able to focus on each other. Now, you’re focused on this new human you’ve brought into the world. This is reasonable! But, it’s a big shift, and your relationship can slip lower on the priority list.
Unspoken resentment: Couples often try to let the “little things” go when in the trenches of early parenthood, but when emotional needs go unmet for too long, partners start to feel unseen or unappreciated. You may start to feel like your partner doesn’t care, or it isn’t worth it to share your feelings anymore.
These dynamics are common to many new parents, whether it’s your first baby or your third. Naming these dynamics is important, as once you acknowledge what’s happening, you can begin to adjust and repair.
Strategies to Reconnect and Return to Each Other:
My top recommendation for surviving the Roommate Stage: Ensure that it is temporary. When you’re in the trenches of new parenthood, it’s reasonable (even necessary!) to focus on surviving rather than your relationship. However, once the newborn fog lifts and you start to settle into your new life, it’s important to intentionally return to each other as a couple. Here are some of the strategies I recommend to my new parents in couples therapy:
Put your partnership first: As Kara Hoppe, LMFT recommends in her book The Baby Bomb, it’s imperative that new parents invest in their relationship above everything else. Agree to approach everything as a team, rather than as separate individuals, including decisions around doctor’s appointments, feeding, and other things that may usually just fall on the birthing parent. In pregnancy and immediately after birth, it’s so common for couples to divide and conquer, which can exacerbate the mental load imbalance. Re-unify as partners in order to increase connection and be a strong parental unit for your child.
Stay Curious: Parenthood throws you into a new life. You will become new, different versions of yourselves. This means continually staying curious about your partner and their needs. The things that may have been true before parenthood may be changed now – they may have used to enjoy staying up late, but now going to bed early is a priority. They may have been passionate about their career before, but now priorities are changing. Asking questions rather than assuming allows your relationship, and how you support your partner, to flex and change with this new life stage.
Explore intimacy without sex: Invest in emotional intimacy practices such as finding intentional time to not talk about parenthood and hello/goodbye rituals. Consider ways that increase physical intimacy in low pressure ways such as cuddling or kissing if sex feels inaccessible for a time period. This way you still feel connected through touch, but there’s no pressure for sex if one partner isn’t feeling ready.
Use “I” instead of “you’ statements: When in a disagreement, try to avoid assuming your partner’s state of mind and instead share what you’re currently experiencing. (i.e. “I need help” instead of “you always do this”). This shifts the tone from blaming to a more vulnerable state, asking for empathy rather than defensiveness from your partner.
Flag resentment early: Value your and your partner’s needs. Have consistent conversations about this together and see if you’re each getting what you need from each other and from parenthood/work/life.
Consider couples therapy: Engaging a professional third party can help uncover hidden patterns, discover unseen reasons for disconnection, and support each partner in confronting difficult topics that keep you feeling apart from each other. Life After Birth therapists offer virtual online couples therapy for new parents in California.
Realizing that you’re in the Roommate Stage doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or forever changed. All it means is that your relationship might require some intentional support to come back to the relationship you need for this phase of life.
Book a free consultation with one of our trained couples therapists today.
Written by Life After Birth 1:1 + Couples Therapist, Lexi Berard, MA, AMFT
